Impatient Patient

I left work in January 2006. I spent the next 11 months in a psychiatric hospital. I have seen at least a dozen psychiatrists, several psychologists, various therapists, nurses, etc.

I have been on almost every anti-depressant on the market (including some interesting combos as well as other medication to counteract the side effects of the anti-depressants.

Over the last week or so, I've been thinking about life (the universe and everything will have to wait...). Our experiences shape us. So, how has being on disability and a perpetual patient changed me? Don't expect any great insights - I'm working on it.

If I had never been hospitalized, I wouldn't have been assaulted by a male nurse, I wouldn't have met a great kid who ended up taking his life in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to just laugh when the other option is to freak out because of the craziness enveloping me.

Even when I haven't been a psych patient, I spent a good chunk of 2007 dealing with other medical issues. Add morphine to clonazepam and I will show you a very unproductive person. Granted, my back was so bad, I could barely walk. But, I was so drugged, I scarcely remember that year.

My sister's following me!

Thanks Sister!
For those of you (ahem, the other one following me) who don't know, my sister is an amazing artist. She's crafty. With her permission, I'd like to post a few photos of some cakes she's done. Not only are they beautiful, they taste good too. Mmm...cake...

A moment of clarity

I had a rare moment today. An epiphany of sorts. And then, I promptly forgot.

Fast forward several hours and it dawns on me. Here's the thing - for a few weeks, I've felt that I was owed an explanation for something (the something isn't important). But, today I realized that, even if I did receive an explanation, it wouldn't change anything. What's done is done. How I feel about it is not set in stone. I found that enlightening.

See, nothing could ever be said that would satisfy me. So, I decided to remove the desire to be satiated.

I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else. But, then, it doesn't matter! (haha)

I think I may have inadvertently used Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - maybe if I mention it to my psychiatrist, she'll up my meds...

Make it go away

I have obsessive thoughts. Right now, they are totally out of control. I can't focus on one thing for very long, my hands are shaking and I want to scream, throw things, act as out of control as I feel.

So, what stops me? Mostly shame. I hurt myself and spend the next few weeks desperately trying to hide the wounds. I beat myself up mentally - stupid, worthless, ugly, crazy.

Why do I push people away when I need them the most? When I'm depressed, I isolate myself - ignore phone calls, leave emails unanswered. What am I supposed to say to people when I'm like this? No one wants to hear the truth and even if they did, I feel guilty.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I certainly don't want people to worry. I know it's irrational - if I don't keep in touch, they worry but I don't contact them because I don't want them to worry. DUH.

I ended a relationship today. I'll probably regret it tomorrow.

So, it's 10:20 pm. I can't be bothered to watch tv. My back hurts too much to sit at my desk much longer.

I know what I want to do but I can't bring myself to type it.

Anyone who says depression isn't a real illness obviously doesn't know...doesn't know what it feels like to hate everything, to want to destroy everything in their life - belongings, relationships, their body.

Yes, I want to die. Will I intentionally try to kill myself tonight? No. I made a promise a year ago that no matter how bad it gets, I won't do it again. Not for me - for my niece and nephew. But, what good am I to them like this?

I don't even know why I'm typing this - no one reads it. OK, maybe that's why.

February 22, 2010

Happy Birthday Dad!
With your death, our relationship has changed but I realize now that it will never end.
You live on not only in me, but in Erin, your two beautiful grandchildren, your brother, your sisters, your best friends, and all the other family members, friends and acquaintances on whom you left an indelible mark (whether you realized or not).

So, on what would be your 66th birthday, I would like to thank you:

- for being the best Dad you could, which is far better than most and for which I am forever grateful
- for teaching me how to ride a bike
- for teaching me how to fix things
- for instilling in me the pride and care I take in all the work I do, paid or not
- for protecting me from the world but knowing when it was time to let me go (just a little bit)
- for teaching me that alcohol is not the way to numb my pain
- for encouraging me to seek help when I could no longer help myself
- for visiting me every single day for the 11 months I was in the hospital in 2006
- for sacrificing your time, and possibly your sanity, to drive out west with me and my two crazy friends
- for showing me the beauty of nature and the capacity to love all living creatures
- for your sense of humour. Oh, how I miss that.
- for your intelligence
- for teaching me that learning never ends
- for showing me that sacrificing balance in life will lead to sadness and likely a shorter life
- for reminding me of my strengths when I felt weak
- for teaching me how to cook, clean my computer (but nothing else...), thread a needle
- for putting up with our cats, who really did love you but showed it in 'special' ways (namely biting and hissing)
- for letting me come to live with you when I needed stability
- for allowing me to make my own mistakes and hopefully learn from yours

What I remember when I think of you:
- the sound of your keys (...jingling when you were becoming impatient)
- Tabac
- how you always seemed larger than life
- beating you at Minesweeper every time
- Princess Point
- comfortable silences
- drives to nowhere in particular

My new friend was kind enough to research the meanings of Raven and Hummingbird. I would like to share them:

"Raven is the " Bringer of Light ". In the Pacific Northwest, Raven brought forth "Life and Order". Ravens are also very playful as well as being protective. Raven brings magic and will help you to accept magic (good magic) without fear. Although Raven is seen year round, his season is Winter and of 'Winter Solstice'. He loves things that sparkle and shine.

"Our tiny flyer of "Those that Fly" brings a message when she appears to us. This message is to "Let Go" of old matters that are suppressing and depressing us. Hummingbird wants you to enjoy the "Nectars of Life". Only you know what brings joy into your life and creates joy in your life. Because Hummingbird flies in a stationary position, her message is also of "restoring" health and balance in positive and ENLIGHTENING ways. To put it plain and simple, Hummingbird wants you to live and love your life in genuine happiness. Hummingbird hums...she wants you to hum with her."

So, I will not be sad on this day. I will honour you by getting up, going out and facing the world.

You Know It's Time To Move When...

You find this hanging in the basement opposite the washing machine.


I have a post in the works entitled 'Journey to the Basement'. Troll dolls, lace, figurines that will haunt you, and of course, Ghost Kitty.
Stay tuned...

So...Cross Stitching, eh?

A few (many) months ago, I bought a complete cross stitch kit. I chose an 'Oriental Butterfly'

as I was not satisfied with the novice options...

Everything was included:

Cotton and metallic threads (27 distinct CoLoUrS)

Printed 14 count beige Aida (?!?) - Nevermind, I Googled it...

Thread palette (for my 'convenience')

Needle and, ahem, easy instructions.

All the information I need to complete my design is included (in 7 languages).

Things NOT included:

1. Masking tape

2. A hoop or scroll frame (to keep fabric taut).

3. A basic understanding of cross stitching.