My sister's following me!

Thanks Sister!
For those of you (ahem, the other one following me) who don't know, my sister is an amazing artist. She's crafty. With her permission, I'd like to post a few photos of some cakes she's done. Not only are they beautiful, they taste good too. Mmm...cake...

A moment of clarity

I had a rare moment today. An epiphany of sorts. And then, I promptly forgot.

Fast forward several hours and it dawns on me. Here's the thing - for a few weeks, I've felt that I was owed an explanation for something (the something isn't important). But, today I realized that, even if I did receive an explanation, it wouldn't change anything. What's done is done. How I feel about it is not set in stone. I found that enlightening.

See, nothing could ever be said that would satisfy me. So, I decided to remove the desire to be satiated.

I don't know if this will make sense to anyone else. But, then, it doesn't matter! (haha)

I think I may have inadvertently used Cognitive Behaviour Therapy - maybe if I mention it to my psychiatrist, she'll up my meds...

Make it go away

I have obsessive thoughts. Right now, they are totally out of control. I can't focus on one thing for very long, my hands are shaking and I want to scream, throw things, act as out of control as I feel.

So, what stops me? Mostly shame. I hurt myself and spend the next few weeks desperately trying to hide the wounds. I beat myself up mentally - stupid, worthless, ugly, crazy.

Why do I push people away when I need them the most? When I'm depressed, I isolate myself - ignore phone calls, leave emails unanswered. What am I supposed to say to people when I'm like this? No one wants to hear the truth and even if they did, I feel guilty.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I certainly don't want people to worry. I know it's irrational - if I don't keep in touch, they worry but I don't contact them because I don't want them to worry. DUH.

I ended a relationship today. I'll probably regret it tomorrow.

So, it's 10:20 pm. I can't be bothered to watch tv. My back hurts too much to sit at my desk much longer.

I know what I want to do but I can't bring myself to type it.

Anyone who says depression isn't a real illness obviously doesn't know...doesn't know what it feels like to hate everything, to want to destroy everything in their life - belongings, relationships, their body.

Yes, I want to die. Will I intentionally try to kill myself tonight? No. I made a promise a year ago that no matter how bad it gets, I won't do it again. Not for me - for my niece and nephew. But, what good am I to them like this?

I don't even know why I'm typing this - no one reads it. OK, maybe that's why.