Make it go away

I have obsessive thoughts. Right now, they are totally out of control. I can't focus on one thing for very long, my hands are shaking and I want to scream, throw things, act as out of control as I feel.

So, what stops me? Mostly shame. I hurt myself and spend the next few weeks desperately trying to hide the wounds. I beat myself up mentally - stupid, worthless, ugly, crazy.

Why do I push people away when I need them the most? When I'm depressed, I isolate myself - ignore phone calls, leave emails unanswered. What am I supposed to say to people when I'm like this? No one wants to hear the truth and even if they did, I feel guilty.

I don't want people to feel sorry for me and I certainly don't want people to worry. I know it's irrational - if I don't keep in touch, they worry but I don't contact them because I don't want them to worry. DUH.

I ended a relationship today. I'll probably regret it tomorrow.

So, it's 10:20 pm. I can't be bothered to watch tv. My back hurts too much to sit at my desk much longer.

I know what I want to do but I can't bring myself to type it.

Anyone who says depression isn't a real illness obviously doesn't know...doesn't know what it feels like to hate everything, to want to destroy everything in their life - belongings, relationships, their body.

Yes, I want to die. Will I intentionally try to kill myself tonight? No. I made a promise a year ago that no matter how bad it gets, I won't do it again. Not for me - for my niece and nephew. But, what good am I to them like this?

I don't even know why I'm typing this - no one reads it. OK, maybe that's why.